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Guidelines for Writing a Letter of Reconciliation Updated 1/3/2018
When a wounded wife wants to leave her husband it is because she no longer trusts him with her heart. All her trust is gone, so thinks evil of his motives. She believes him to be self-centered and unloving because of the way he has neglected or treated her. The only thing a man can do to restore trust is to express empathy and compassion for her wounded condition, which is done through relating to her like he would with a woman he just ran over in his truck. Trust will not be restored if he explains things about himself and why he did what he did. Trust will not be restored if he apologizes over and over, and promises to change. And trust will not be restored if he makes declarations of the depth of his love and shows it through some kind of romantic gesture.
A woman who leaves her husband only does so, because she is nursing a severely wounded heart, so doesn’t want to hear the perpetrator talk about himself, and why he has done what he’s done or how he will try not to do it in the future. She is asking only one thing – “Is there someone who cares how much I am hurting and understands what I have been through?” Any communication with your wife needs to be about her and her wounded condition. Make certain that your letter is not mostly about you and your thoughts, rather make it about her broken heart, followed up by how you broke it.
I strongly recommend that you send the letter to me for review before you give it to your wife. Every man I have spoken with, who has sent it without having it reviewed first, regretted it. There are always blind spots in communication that ultimately offend a woman.
Speaking to a hardened heart It is no simple matter to write a letter to someone who is so embittered that they misinterpret everything you say. Many a wounded wife is so completely mistrusting of her husband that when he says “black” she will say “white.” If he makes a joke, everyone else may laugh, but she will correct him. He has lost all her trust, so she is ready to think the worst of his motives. Therefore, he must be careful of how he phrases sincere apologies, promises of repentance, professions of love, or even compliments. Anything he says will often be interpreted as evidence of his self-centeredness. Because of this, any communication must be carefully written or spoken.
If you desire help with crafting the best letter for your wife, I am available to help. Below I have provided some guidelines for writing a letter and if you would like counseling click on the Counseling link in the left sidebar. On Guideline 10 below, I have provided some paragraphs as examples of how to write a letter. Believe me – those paragraphs are critical.
Because a wounded woman is so sensitive, I would not recommend giving her a letter without first having it reviewed. You probably have just one shot at a letter and you don’t want to confirm to your wife all her bad thoughts about you by saying just one thing in the wrong way. A letter that says 98% of the right things, but includes 2% said the wrong way, may inoculate a woman against any future efforts to connect with her. In 25 years of helping men with their letters I have never seen one first-draft letter that wasn’t potentially damaging to a relationship. For those who value the help they have found on these pages, and have therefore made a donation of at least $100, we offer free reviewing of a letter. Please understand that you are not purchasing help with your donation -- the donation is because you have already found help. The letter reviewing is my way of saying thank you to Ultimate Husband supporters.
Whether or not you intend to give your letter to your wife or simply use it as basis for conversation, writing a letter and having it reviewed is an exercise that can teach you a great deal about her. A letter reveals to the counselor your blind spots regarding how you see yourself and your wife, and helps you refine your communication skills with her.
Here are some guidelines to keep in mind.
The goals of a proper letter:
1. The overall objective of the letter is to reestablish lost trust. Your wife is in such a state of emotional pain and distress, and so emotionally wounded that she has lost all trust in you. Therefore, the only way I have found for a man to regain the trust of the woman he hurt is to empathize with her pain and communicate that empathy by compassionately describing to her her pain and what he did to cause it. Guys, your wife is aching for someone to validate her feelings and feel for her in her heartbreak. Why can’t it be you?
2. Your primary goal in writing is NOT to change your wife’s mind about leaving the marriage. You heard me right. Yes, your heart is aching to keep her from leaving you, but your goal MUST be to make things right with someone you have hurt. Your letter must be to bring healing to someone whom you have damaged. If your goal is to stop your wife from leaving, you will say or promise to do anything to stop her. And she knows that. In fact, since she doesn’t trust you, she may already be thinking the worst of your motives anyway. Your chief goal, therefore, must be to release her in your heart, but reach out to her like a stranger that you have run over with your truck.
3. The goal of the letter is to let your wife know she is understood through your empathy and compassion (putting yourself in her place). The goal is not to tell her that you understand or to say the words "I empathize with you." It is just to use language that shows you see her pain through her eyes. Describe to her how she is feeling using words that reflect your compassion for her. Your wife feels irreparably wounded by the man to whom she entrusted her heart. She feels defrauded, because before the marriage you made her feel cherished, valued, and worth seeking after. How would you feel were you in her position? That is empathy.
Not all doctors are known for their empathy, but they have great power to put their patients at ease by diagnosing diseases or other physical maladies. For example, a woman goes to her doctor and shows him a rash on her arm that greatly mystifies her. He might say, “I recognize that rash. Do you also have an ache in your right knee and a twitch in your left eyebrow?” With excitement she will exclaim, “Yes, Doctor, as a matter of fact, I do. You obviously understand my problem and that gives me hope!” When he tells her the name of her condition and prescribes a treatment, she is relieved. Even before the medicine starts working she will be at peace, just because someone understands her. And we as husbands can have a similar power with our wives.
If you talk to your wife like a doctor describing the various ways she is feeling, particularly symptoms she neglected to tell you, she may get excited at the prospect that you understand her condition. She not only needs you to describe what she is feeling, but feel for her in her pain. Only then will she think you get it and may be trusted. Phrases that communicate empathy are ones like: “Wow, that must be really hard,” or “That must have been awful.” Other than prayer, your genuine empathy is the only key to her hardened heart. Here is an example of revealing to your wife how she is feeling using words she probably hasn't used with you:
4. The goal is to minimize how much you talk about yourself, especially at the beginning of the letter and at the start of most sentences. The subject of the letter is what she has gone through and how she feels. The subject definitely isn’t you – not your thoughts and not your failings. She has lost all trust in you, because she thinks you are totally self-absorbed. You will only reinforce her opinion by directing attention back to yourself. The fastest way to offend her in your letter is to start off talking apologetically about how you blew it, how your marriage got to this place, or something that you say you understand. When you finish your letter, go through and count how many sentences start off with “I”. If there are more than a few, she will be sure to smell your self-centeredness, and the letter will have done more harm than good.
Many men believe that their wife will restore the relationship if they simply confess to everything of which she has ever accused them. Unfortunately, a letter full of confessed wrongs often makes a bitter woman angrier. With every confessed wrong a man simply points her back at himself and his failings. Hearing her husband acknowledge his sins does not restore lost trust. It just makes her dwell on how he wounded her for so many years, thereby exacerbating her pain and frustration. A man must mention his contribution, but only in light of her pain.
As you write, keep in mind that the sentences in your letter must not be about you and how you blew it. In the following samples, notice how each sentence is about her pain and then followed by how the husband caused the pain. Use that sentence structure -- describe her pain and then say how you caused it. You might also write two sentences about her and then follow them up with a couple of sentences about what you did to cause the pain. Remember, when people get emotionally wounded they respond the same as they would to a physical wound. They become focused on nursing the wound. Your wife is only open to hearing you talk about her pain first and then what you did to cause it. If trust is to be restored, she must be certain that you understand how she has been made to feel for a long time. Here are a few examples of making her the subject of sentences:
The subject of an effective letter must be the woman whose heart you ran over with a truck. Sadly, because your head is swirling in pain from the threat of losing your wife, you may have become even more self-oriented, which may come out in the letter. You therefore must allow your naturally protective nature to take over and relate to your wife as one who needed and continues to need your protection. Remember that your wife is only leaving you, because she is fleeing something that had been a threat to her for a long time.
Self-oriented talk includes putting yourself in a positive light, such as statements like, “I have been seeking the Lord and praying, and He has shown me how I really blew it with you.” In an attempt to acknowledge wrongdoing, you inadvertently paint a “spiritual” picture of yourself. A bitter wife has a low opinion of your spirituality, so will resent hearing you put yourself in good light. In fact, to avoid putting yourself in good light, I suggest starting off a letter pointing to someone else who hit you over the head with the truth. Here’s an example:
Just one self-oriented sentence is all it takes to ruin a near-perfect letter. I gave one such letter to two female counselors to evaluate and watched them both be stirred emotionally and break into tears by the third paragraph, but when they came across that one self-oriented sentence at the beginning of the fourth paragraph, it stopped them cold. Their responses were the same – “This sentence will ruin it all.” (The lesson being, have your letter reviewed before you send it.)
5. The goal of your letter is not to name all the occasions you offended her. At each point in the letter where you make reference to a wound she suffered, you need to provide an example of a bad habit or pattern of behavior that hurt her. It is not wise to bring up specific incidents, because that may easily focus her back on the pain of a particular occasion and she may start to relive it in her mind, thereby stirring up her pain and anger all over again. It is important therefore, that you understand the difference between a specific incident and a pattern of behavior or bad habit. To simplify my word of caution, just avoid beginning any phrases with the words “like that time...”
I offer the following examples to help clarify:
INEFFECTIVE: Example of confessing a specific incidentI am really sorry about that time I didn’t defend you when my sister insulted you…
EFFECTIVE: Example of confessing bad habits or patterns of behavior You married me, because you were certain your heart would be safe with me. How awful for you that I rarely defended or stuck up for you when others attacked you. The very man you depended on for protection left you vulnerable. That’s intolerable!
INEFFECTIVE: Example of confessing a specific incidentI am really sorry about that time we went on a family vacation and all I did was complain…
EFFECTIVE: Example of confessing bad habits or patterns of behavior How hard you always worked to make family vacations happen, yet without any help or thanks from me. You were always so exhausted afterwards. How alone and unappreciated you must have felt. Words cannot express my regret for letting you shoulder it all yourself.
6. The goal is not to complement, express appreciation for her, or address her with deep affection. Trust cannot be restored by telling her that she is beautiful, wonderful, and a great mother. Nor can it be gained by declaring how great your love is for her. The goal is to restore trust, so complements can easily make her even more mistrusting of your motives. She already believes you do not love her, so a dozen roses and a declaration of your love will only infuriate her. Remember that you’re not trying to woo her with romance, because romantic gestures and declarations draw attention back to you. You’re trying to regain lost trust by showing genuine empathy for the wounds you have inflicted and the pain she is in.
If one of the wounds she feels is your failure to affirm or appreciate her, it might be appropriate to offer a simple word of affirmation, but it is definitely not necessary and must be worded very carefully. If you choose to risk it, such a comment must come late in the letter, only after you have touched her heart and established a little trust with your opening paragraphs. Here are a couple examples of carefully stated words of affirmation that are more about her pain than a manipulative complement:
7. The goal is not to educate her, so resist the temptation to make passing comments that sound instructional. You may have learned a lot from this website and will be tempted to share what you have gleaned about the process of reconciliation or the differences between men and women, but don’t. Your wife doesn’t perceive you to be in a position to teach her anything. She will resent a simple comment such as, “The healing of a marriage takes time” or “Men and women are so different,” or “We were a team, and my role as a husband was to lead us.” Don’t state truisms or facts, or quote Scripture to her. She will resent you for saying such things not because she finds the statements false, but because you, the source of her pain, are putting yourself in a position to instruct her. In her mind you have zero credibility.
In an attempt to communicate empathy, a guy may try telling his wife what she needed: “You needed to see my love every day. You needed to be held, to be touched, and to hear how beautiful you are. You needed to know how special you are, the great things you have done, and what a good mother you are.” It may be true that she needed these things, but if she is hardened she will resent hearing them from the guy who deprived her of them.
Be careful of suggesting your thoughts about what went wrong in the marriage or offering explanations as to why you blew it. She will not appreciate hearing your thoughts about anything, particularly about the marriage. She will perceive your words as drawing attention back to yourself and making excuses. Besides she is focused on her pain, so is open to only hearing from you about how she feels.
8. The goal is not to correct her misperceptions or what you believe to be her mistaken ideas. Even if she is in error, in her eyes you are the last person to point out her mistakes or set her straight in some way. Resist all temptation to contradict her and say something like, “You misunderstood,” or “...but you were wrong about that.”
Correcting her includes implicating her in any way, such as making comments like: “You know that neither of us is perfect,” or “Neither of us opened up to the marriage counselor,” or “You know that we never were able to communicate well,” or “We had problems in our marriage.” This last quote is especially important. A hardened woman will not think that you as a couple had problems – she will think that YOU were the problem. In her mind it is YOU who needs counseling, not her. That's why she doesn't want to go to counseling as a couple and work on the marriage.
It is wise to avoid citing what you think are legitimate reasons for your behavior. “I know I wasn’t a good father sometimes, but you know that my migraines would flare up.” This may be true, but it sounds to her like an excuse and discredits her feelings that you neglected the family. To her it is a blatant contradiction of her assessment. Likely, her reasons for concern go beyond the times you were suffering from migraines, were laid off from work, or lost your father to cancer.
If she has accused you of being controlling, don’t put in your letter, “’I am not trying to control you, I’m just trying to guide you.” The point is that she felt like she was being dominated or controlled, and felt like her opinions and wishes were insignificant to you. Therefore, you should consider that you in fact, were trying to control her, but didn’t realize it. A better response would be, “If you felt controlled, that’s the last thing I’d want for you. You deserved to feel free, loved, and taken care of. It’s horrible that you felt that way.”
As I illustrate in the article Identifying Your Mistakes under the section What she says versus what she really means, your wife's stated facts may not be accurate, but her words reflect her sincerely held feelings. She may say, “You’re never home,” when the truth is that each week you are home six out of seven nights. What she means is that when you are home she feels like you are not emotionally with her or involved with the family. She feels alone and she misses you even when you are home. Remember that a woman speaks from her heart and may misstate the facts when she tries to make her case. We must hear her words, but develop the skill of listening to the heart behind the words.
Since women understand each other's communications, very few of them realize that men by nature are less capable of seeing the actual emotions behind their words. Yes, it would be nice if our wives would talk plainly. It would be nice if they made humble appeals like, "When you are home, but are always busy with things other than me or the family, I’m afraid you don't like us. I feel lonely and insecure." Yes, such direct, vulnerable communication would be nice, but very few women know how a man needs to hear appeals for compassion or help. When she asserts, “You’re never home,” we interpret her words as attacks or complaints, so get defensive instead of coming to her rescue. Hence, when we write our letters we feel compelled to set her straight. A husband and wife in a healthy marriage can dialogue and work with each other to understand their differences, but a woman hardened in bitterness will resent even a hint of correction from her husband. In your letter therefore, be certain to avoid any inference of your wife’s mistakes or contributions to the marriage problems.
To illustrate how we might implicate our wives, consider the following example. The first paragraph is an effort without critique. The second paragraph is the critique. My comments are in red and refer the writer back to the guideline that was violated.
Dear Wife, I have taken some time to do some Internet research and think I finally understand what went wrong with us. I have always thought our problem was you, but now I realize that I was the cause of so much of our trouble. Yes, neither of us is perfect, but I have concluded that I have hurt you and pushed you away from me. I thought that you didn’t actually care about me, so when I lost my job I didn’t listen to you when you were telling me to work harder to find a new one, I ignored you, which must have made you feel so unimportant. My self-centeredness left you feeling neglected and lonely. The thought of that makes me feel horrible about what I did. I still battle with unforgiveness towards you, but I know the Lord will help me.
Dear Wife,
I
have taken some time to do some Internet research and think I
finally understand
It may not be easy for you to avoid referencing your wife’s misperceptions if you are mad at her for breaking up the family. If you see yourself as a victim of her hormonal craziness or over‑sensitivity, you will not be able to hide it. Your frustration will leak out both in the letter and in your interactions with her. She will view any frustration or inferred correction, as well as any obsessiveness, intensity, and pushiness, as evidence that you have not changed. It will demonstrate to her that you are not aware of the depth of your offense or the significance of her wounded condition. It is therefore imperative that you see her as one entrusted to your care who was unable to emotionally survive your mishandling. She only decided to leave after bearing with your wounds for a long time. Her departure was a desperate effort to survive. Any frustration or correction from you will likely insure that her departure is permanent.
9. The goal is to write simply and to the point. Since your wife has no trust in you, she will have no patience to wade through a wordy 2-3 page letter. Being bitter, she will be suspicious and critical of completely innocent statements. Even if she knows you to be a skilled writer, flowery writing with multiple adjectives and synonyms will put her off. Reading through too many details or specific examples will bog her down and draw attention back to you. A verbose writer, proud of his skills, will need to tone himself down, lest his letter do more harm than good. Resist the temptation to state and restate the same points, using the same adjectives. When you finish the letter, go through and count how many times you used the same words. For example, if you use some form of the words “cherish,” “safe,” or “protect” more than once each, you may have overdone it. Try to use adjectives just once.
The bottom line is that when we actually see what harm we have done to another, and we empathize with their pain, our thoughts go to them not to us. Think about it – how do you respond at a funeral to someone who has just lost a loved one? A truly empathetic person doesn’t talk on and on like a narcissist, blathering about their own feelings of loss. They look at the grieving person, put themselves in their place, and feel their pain. In their grief for the mourner, they might offer a hug and a few words of comfort, but say little about themselves. Your wife deserves the same compassion.
God entrusted your wife to you as a tender flower to be cared for and nurtured. Yet you have wounded her so severely that she had to escape, because she felt she could not endure further pain. The point of your letter is to let her know you see and actually feel for her. The goal is not to “contrive” a letter to make her just imagine you are empathetic. It is to communicate the empathy and heartache that you actually feel. If you use my services just to contrive an empathetic sounding letter, you may fool your wife at first, but she will quickly discover that your words were empty, so harden her heart for good. It is far better that you cry out to God and ask Him to reveal your wife’s pain to you, so whatever you say to her comes out of a heart not broken over your own feelings of loss, but a heart deeply distressed over concern for her.
The following was one guy’s letter in its entirety:
Dear (wife), You are in such pain from the man you trusted most and I have wept many tears for you. What you have had to endure is horrible. How awful you must feel. Seeing your heart in the wounded condition it is in, I understand why you had to get away just to survive. I don’t blame you at all. In fact, now that I see how you feel, I want you to rest knowing you are safe. I just wish I had seen you like I do now, before my neglect caused you so much pain. Love, (husband)
This man’s wife was not fully hardened and she had only been gone for one day when he gave her his letter, so his genuine compassion helped heal her wounds and restored the relationship. She went home to a new man. Such a letter could not be copied by you and expected to heal the breach in your marriage. This woman knew her husband and recognized the sincerity in his words. Your wife knows you, so the exact letter might not impact your wife at all. In fact, the reason I offer to help men write letters is, because most wives who leave, are severely hardened and are judgmental towards their husband’s motives. Husbands of such women need a lot more help communicating their empathy through a carefully crafted, non-offensive letter.
10. The goal is to carefully craft a letter that doesn’t offend your wife or reaffirm to her that you are the same guy that she had to escape. To avoid offending a hardened woman who is suspicious and judgmental towards all of your motives requires that a letter be meticulously worded and carefully formatted. An effective letter is like a symphony that starts slow and builds to a beautiful crescendo. In fact, if you want me to counsel you about your letter, you must use the following 6-paragraph template.
Did you get that? Please understand, this is not a suggestion. If you want my help, I can give it, but you must follow the precise template I have provided. If the words match your heart, please use them exactly as I have written them. If you need to make substitutions and use some words that more closely match your vocabulary, do it. Just keep in mind that every phrase is specifically laid out in the order it is for a reason. In my many years of experience, I have discovered how a man can communicate his newfound empathy to his wife, which can cause her to reopen the closed door to her heart. Those men who send me letters that stray away from the following 6-paragraph template will receive them back with a request to resubmit their letter within the confines of the template.
Before you start your letter, use the worksheet to determine the ways you have wounded your wife. In other words, list off the various ways she might say that you wounded her. Following each offense, note how it made her feel. If you want me to review your letter, please include your worksheet with it. Use the worksheet posted here.
Here is the exact template to use. The words in red are the words to use.
Paragraph 1: Your wife is suffering from a heart wound that has left her completely mistrusting of you. In her mind she has no reason to believe any revelations you have come up with or promises you make. Possibly, she has heard you promise to change many times before, so is ready to mistrust whatever comes out of you. Therefore, you must start out giving her a reason to believe you have learned something new that came from someone other than your own brain. It must be something that you do not attribute to prayer, your own research, or your men’s support group. I want to emphasize that you don’t want to say things that extol your own spirituality or insights, because she mistrusts you and will despise hearing you say good things about yourself. If she is to believe you actually have had a revelation and see her differently than ever before, you will need to point to someone else who forcefully beat you up with the truth. In her mind, it would take you being “beat up” to get through your thick skull.
Since she is focused on her own pain, if you are to engage her interest and keep her reading your letter, she will also need to hear you immediately express empathy about her wounded condition. Only then might she possibly believe that you see and regret what you’ve done. The following is an example of an introductory paragraph that does this:
Paragraph 2: To keep your wife reading, in the second paragraph you need to help her lower her defenses by clarifying that your goal is not to try and convince her to give you another chance or restore the relationship. You may put her at ease if she sees that you recognize she is in a wounded condition and believes that you simply want to help her heart heal. Keep in mind that only a wife with a healed heart will be open to reconciling anyway.
Paragraph 3: In the third paragraph it is wise to express understanding that she came into the marriage expecting to feel cherished, valued, and safe, yet was left feeling neglected and unimportant. You must demonstrate to her that you know how you hurt her by illustrating your point with a bad habit or pattern of behavior. Following this, you must express your heartfelt empathy for the pain she felt. Put yourself in her place and tell her what she must be feeling from your mistreatment and neglect.
At this point, if you haven't yet read the article Identifying Your Mistakes, it would be a good idea to stop and read it now. It is important to be able to identify patterns of behavior that wounded your wife. What habits of yours hurt her? What kinds of things did she accuse you of over the years? If she believes you were self-centered, how did you manifest it? If you are to restore her trust, she needs a few reasons to believe you really get it. It is always wise to show understanding by illustrating with a pattern of behavior after confessing a fault. If you are your wife’s protector and want her kept safe, then conclude the third paragraph by letting her know that you understand why she would want to keep herself from someone who posed to her such a threat.
The following paragraph is an example of how a neglectful man might write his third paragraph.
Paragraph 3, sample 1:
If you were unfaithful and shared yourself with another person or were involved with porn, then your wife’s wounds are deeper than most and restoring relationship is very difficult. Sexual impurity is so devastating to a woman that it cannot just be simply mentioned among the other mistakes that you made. The letter must primarily be about that wound, for it is greater than all the others. Before starting your letter, you need to read my article I’ve Been Unfaithful.
The following paragraph is an example of how an adulterous man might write his third paragraph.
Paragraph 3, sample 2:
The following is an example of how a man involved with porn might write his third paragraph.
Paragraph 3, sample 3:
The following is an example of how a man who has been involved in an emotional affair might write his third paragraph.
Paragraph 3, sample 4:
The following is an example of how a man who has withheld affection from his wife might write his third paragraph.
Paragraph 3, sample 5:
The following is an example of how a man who has been falsely accused of adultery might write his third paragraph.
Paragraph 3, sample 6: The following is an example of how a man whose wife accuses him of being controlling might write his third paragraph. Paragraph 3, sample 7:
The following is an example of how a man whose wife accuses him of being jealous and controlling might write his third paragraph. Paragraph 3, sample 8:
If you need to include a paragraph addressing your adultery or porn use, or one of these other areas, then you probably will need to follow that up with the sample 1 paragraph, making yours a 7-paragraph letter.
Paragraph 4: In the fourth paragraph you want to speak to her about communication. Throughout your married life, all those times you thought she was complaining or starting arguments, she was sharing her heart with you. She just wanted you to understand her fears or anxiety and feel for her in her distress. Unfortunately, because she shared her pain in a passionate or accusatory way, you responded like she was attacking and became defensive. Your style of defense might have been anger, verbal retaliation, debating her facts, or silence while you waited for her to calm down. No matter what your style of defense, you attacked or ignored your wife when she was most vulnerable. In doing so, you missed many opportunities to feel for her in her pain or rescue her from those "dragons" that threatened to devour her.
In this paragraph, with regret and empathy, it is important that you communicate all that you now understand about her and how devastated your poor reactions have left her. Since at the root of so much of her distress is some level of fear, it is important that you tell her you see the fear behind the things she cried out to you about.
Paragraph 5: By this point in the letter your wife might start to believe that you see the depth of pain that you have caused her. She will possibly believe even more that you get it if you can respond to her like a friend who is hearing her story. Such a friend, having heard her horrible plight would likely want to wrap her up in his/her arms and offer her comfort. This friend would also want to shake her husband and tell him to knock it off. If you can weave this into the fifth paragraph it will help her rest that you see her wounded condition and need for healing. Actually, if you want me to coach or counsel you about your letter, you must use some form of the following for paragraph 5.
Paragraph 6: If your wife is not so hardened that she is mocking your letter, by this point she may accept your testimony that the firm handling of your counselor has gotten your attention. If you want her to believe you are safe now, you will need to assure her that you know you were not safe before. She needs to know that you understand her need for safety. That’s huge, since you proved yourself to be the least safe person in her life. So it would be appropriate to wrap up by letting her know that if she ever needs someone to listen to her heart and share her pain with, you are there for her.
You may be tempted at this point to make an apology, say you are sorry, or propose reconciliation, but those things turn the attention back on you. Like I said, an effective letter is like a symphony that builds to a crescendo. You don’t want to end it on a weak or negative thought. Wrap it up as I have demonstrated in the sample conclusion below.
Here are some examples of effective and ineffective writing:
Self-oriented sentenceI watched TV every evening and ignored your requests for help with the kids. That was selfish of me and I apologize. Here’s my critiqueI watched TV every evening and ignored your requests for help with the kids. ß Sentence started with “I” making you the subject of the sentence.) That was selfish of me and I apologize. ßConfession and apology is also about you and makes no reference to her pain.
Self-oriented sentenceI am really sorry that my actions have been so bad as to drive you, the one I love the most, away from me. It makes me sick to realize this about me. Here’s my critiqueI am really sorry (ß Don’t talk about yourself or how you are feeling.) that my actions have been so bad as to drive you, the one I love the most, (ß She doesn’t trust you, so doesn’t want to hear of your feelings of love for her) away from me. (ßand neither does she want to hear you talk about yourself, ie: driving her “away from me.” It makes me sick to realize this about me. Still focusing on yourself. It should be “makes me sick to think about you and what you’ve been through.”
A FEW MORE EXAMPLES OF INEFFECTIVE WRITING:
Poorly written: This letter is a way to seek understanding and apologize for things that have brought us here. Corrections: This letter is a way to seek understanding ßDon’t write a letter to seek understanding. Write it because you already have understanding, which you are about to demonstrate) and apologize for things that have brought us here. The goal of a letter is not to directly apologize, but to express compassion for her pain. Also, don’t speak of what happened to the relationship (“what brought us here”), but speak of her.
Poorly written: I have always loved you from the bottom of my soul, but I made you feel that everything else was more important to me than you. This was never the case, but that is how I have made you feel and for that I am really sorry. Corrections: I have always loved you from the bottom of my soul, ß She doesn’t trust your love, and so it is best not to declare it. It will only irritate her) but I made you feel that everything else was more important to me than you. This was never the case, (ßYou are calling her mistaken -- not a good idea to tell a wounded woman that she doesn’t or shouldn’t feel her pain. It would be better to say, “and you were right – I loved me more than you, and you suffered because of it. How awful that must have been for you…”) but that is how I have made you feel ßThis trivializes how she is feeling) and for that I am really sorry.
Poorly written: I was doing what I thought was best for us, but I didn't treat you the way you deserved. Corrections: I was doing what I thought was best for us, ßShe’ll perceive this as an excuse) but I didn't treat you the way you deserved. ______________________________________________________________
Here are some more practical tips One thing that is difficult to do, but will help your wife more easily receive your descriptions of what you have put her through, is to communicate from a “third person” perspective. Here’s an example:
Third person:
“You married a man because he made you feel valuable, yet his
self-centeredness left you feeling worthless. How awful that must
have been for you.” First person: “You married me because I made you feel valuable, but after we got married my self-centeredness left you feeling worthless. How awful that must have been for you.”
Both versions are accurate. The second one draws attention back to YOU. The first version allows her to concentrate on HER pain without you focusing her on what YOU did. Such a means of communication has the effect of allowing her to hear you as if you were an outsider talking to her. The whole letter can’t be written in third person, because it would come across as avoiding responsibility, but used sparingly it can be effective.
Please understand -- I am not offering you a means of manipulating your wife. It is not about saying the exact right words. It is about you grasping the devastation your wife is feeling. If you truly recognize the pain she feels as a result of your mistakes or blatant misdeeds, the words will come more naturally.
Look at I this way. If your daughter grows up and marries a man who makes her feel worthless, will that make you mad? Would you want to run to her protection? Look upon your wife the same way. Someone has hurt the woman you love and want to protect. How much does that concern you? What do you want to do to the person who hurt her so much? (My goal is not that you harm yourself, but that you understand your wife’s pain and feel an appropriate response.) Bottom line – see your wife as a tender flower entrusted to you for care and nurturing.
Keep in mind that the letter can’t be about restoring the relationship. It must be a letter about making things right with the woman you’ve hurt and participating with her healing. Otherwise, she will view it as a self-centered effort to keep you from losing something you want.
As you seek to make things right with your wife, keep one thing in mind. God intends that we find ultimate fulfillment primarily in our relationship with Him – not in our marriage. The more we look to Him the less our wife has power to destroy our hearts. He is so intent on having us fully that He will use the pain of separation to get our attention. Be sensitive to that.
One more thing. Your wife will have less power to hurt you the more compassion you have for her hardened and bitter condition. She may not realize it, but in her effort to keep her heart safe, she has hardened her heart not only against you, but also against God. She is determined at all costs to keep her heart from getting hurt again. This willful determination will keep her from having a soft heart before God and may foster a chronic case of bitterness. She needs your prayers more than anything, lest she remain in a hardened condition.
Blessings to you,
Reb Bradley
PS: Here are a few more thoughts for you.
1. If you need help with putting together a letter or would like counseling, go to our page Counseling and follow the steps.
2. If your wife is one of those who has made herself safe by taking control of the relationship, then read the article The Controlling Wife. It'll blow your mind. (Before you get started on a letter, be sure to read all the related articles listed on the left sidebar under the section Reconciling With Your Wife.)
3. To write an effective letter of reconciliation and become the ultimate husband, most men need more equipping than a couple of articles and a 1-hour online audio session. Please get the downloadable series Captains Through the Storm. It is designed to help every man learn to become the ultimate husband. After all, once your wife has read your letter, she will be watching you to see if your life matches your words.
4. If anger or self-absorption has been one of your problems, please download the series Motives of the Heart.
5. To help you further understand exactly what you did wrong, you should read the article Identifying Your Mistakes.
6. Lastly, if you would like help writing a letter, it is a free service we offer to our supporters. If you have found help in these pages, and have therefore made a donation of at least $100, we offer free counseling and letter critiquing. Please understand that you are not purchasing help with your donation -- the donation is because you have already found help. The letter-reviewing is my way of saying thank you to Ultimate Husband supporters. Response time to receiving your letter back may be between 5 days to 5 weeks, depending on my travel schedule and letter workload.
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