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Before starting this article, it will be important to first read Reconciling With Your Hardened Wife. This article builds upon that one as a foundation.
The Controlling Wife Some men who have been abandoned by their wife, and who discover this website, find themselves in a real awakening. They suddenly understand how they have wounded their wife over the years and lament the damage that she has suffered. However, many also remain frustrated by her decision to split the family. Such men are willing to confess and repent of their failures as a husband, but they ask, “Doesn’t my wife need to repent of her sinful, hardened reaction? Doesn’t she have to own the fact that she has been disrespectful and controlling of me?” The answer is simple. Every one of us is responsible for how we respond to others. If someone offends us, we have the ability to choose whether we will respond in sin or in purity and love. If a wounded wife, desperate to emotionally survive, hardens her heart in bitterness, she is going to reap negative consequences in her life. However, it is not the place of the one who caused the offense to confront her on her demoralized, fearful, and bitter reaction. In this article I will discuss an appropriately loving response to such a woman. Many wives, who decide to separate from their husband, do so because they felt at his mercy for too many years. For way too long his role in their life gave him the power to repeatedly hurt them. They felt completely out of control and unable to escape the wounds that came from him, so their decision to separate was an effort to take control and stop the cause of pain. If asked, these men would say that it was their wife who was controlling, yet these women only sought to escape their husband, because they resented his power to control them. The difference between men and women who controlThe Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7), not meaning that she has less physical strength or stamina than her husband, but that she has a more emotional nature and is more inclined to view life and make decisions based on her feelings than is her husband (1 Tim 2:14). Because of this, and because women have a greater natural need for their husbands (Gen 3:16), women are also more likely to look to the marriage relationship for value and significance. When men marry, most are clueless to these differences and consequently, to their own power to inflict emotional pain on their wives. Simply stated, it is this basic difference between men and women that causes the misunderstandings at the root of so much marital stress. (This paragraph borrowed from Reconciling With Your Hardened Wife.) I have found that a man’s failure to understand that his wife is emotionally weaker and more vulnerable is what causes him to respond to her with so little honor, consideration, or respect. When she is sharing her feelings intensely or with passion, most men view her as finding fault, complaining, or starting an argument. They see her not as a weaker partner, who deserves to be heeded and tenderly cared for, but as a competitor whose attack must be survived. I have found that it is critical for a man to view his wife as emotionally weaker if he is to stop responding to her as an attacker when she simply shares her heart. By design men are protectors, and therefore are competitive and more prone to defending against attacks. If they see their wife as a formidable opponent they react defensively, but if they see her as a vulnerable one under their care, who may be speaking out of fear or insecurity, they will stop taking her attacks so personally and respond by coming to her rescue. I teach men that when their wife is sharing something with them and she sounds like she is attacking them, listen beyond the tone and seek to hear her heart. My wife and I have found that behind the distressful words of most women is some kind of fear or insecurity. I have observed over many years of counseling that both men and women can be controlling, but they control for two different reasons. Men may have a self-oriented worldview, so control out of their love for power. If they are consumed with living for themselves, they will view their wife’s needs as incidental to their own. Women on the other hand, may also tend to control, but not for the sake of ego. They have an innate sense of their own vulnerability, so control to keep themselves safe and the family secure. They are motivated to get their way not so much by self-centered desires, but out of some kind of fear. Consider it – about what things does your wife press you? Finances? Family? Relationships? Home repair? Household items? Time off? Your hygiene? I am willing to bet that almost 99% of what a woman craves is rooted in a desire for security. Please, think about it, and stop judging your wife. I have observed that when a man stops seeing his wife as domineering and starts seeing her as a vulnerable soul looking for safety and security, his protective instincts kick in and he starts to relate to her with more tenderness and care. I received a phone call from a Christian leader one evening who insisted that his wife was so controlling he was thinking of leaving her. We had but a few minutes to speak, so I briefly explained to him what I just shared with you. He called me a few weeks later and raved over a sudden transformation in his wife. He explained that after we had spoken that evening, he changed how he listened to his wife. Whenever she started to “complain” about life or find fault with him (which was frequently), he listened to identify the fears behind whatever she said. Instead of defending himself or arguing back to prove his wife wrong, he sought to bring comfort to the fears behind her distress. The softening in her was immediate and rapid. He told me he no longer wanted to leave his wife since he now understood her. My wife has always said it this way, “A woman will control to the level of her fear.” The more a woman feels threatened or insecure, the more she will push to get her way in life. Such tendencies seem to increase in marriage the more she has been at risk throughout her lifetime. If she grew up a victim of sexual or physical abuse, or suffered through broken romantic relationships, is not uncommon that she will tend to be more controlling toward her husband. And the less she feels covered, understood, or nurtured by him, the more neglected, lonely, and controlling she will become. Unfortunately, most husbands with a controlling wife only see her as disrespectful or contentious. It is my hope that such men will have new eyes for their wife. She needs understanding and the security that God intends her husband to bring. Understanding fear as it relates to communicationA primary cause of conflict between husbands and wives is that they come from two different perspectives when they communicate. Women may attempt to communicate a feeling of fear, dismay, or anxiety, but use words, cite facts, or employ a tone that causes a man to imagine he is being attacked. By design men have more testosterone than women and are geared to be more aggressive, so when he feels attacked, he responds defensively by hiding or attacking. Instead of recognizing that his wife feels distressed by something, he immediately protects himself against the unwarranted “attacks” by discrediting her facts to quell her stress. This perceived lack of compassion in him will cause his wife to become more frustrated, which evokes more intense communication. Let me emphasize again the unique design of women. Woman was created by God as a more emotionally vulnerable creature than man. By her very design she looks to her husband for emotional, mental, and physical security. In other words, she is more prone to fear. God affirms this in 1 Peter 3:1-6 when He instructs wives to be in submission to their husband and concludes with His key admonition “...do not give way to fear.” He knew that fear would be a woman’s greatest vulnerability. The point at which a woman decides to marry a man, is when she comes to believe that she can trust her heart to him. Once married, over a period of time, many women becomes convinced that the one to whom she looks for emotional protection poses the biggest threat. The more her fear for her well-being increases, the stronger her anxiety and mistrust in her husband grows. At last she becomes so afraid she can’t survive his leadership, that she leaves. Once away from her husband she starts to feel safe and the very thought of returning to him frightens her beyond belief. If she is to change her mind and restore the marriage, lectures about a wife’s biblical duties and threats of church discipline are not sufficient. She is driven by an overwhelming desire for self-preservation, and if she is to return to her marriage -- the fear must be gone. For a man to influence his wife to return, her fear must be replaced by trust. To regain trust he will need to understand how he has caused her pain, empathize with her fear, and repent of his inconsideration. Encouraging sin?At this point, some guys are concerned that validating a frightened woman’s emotions permits her to feel excused in her unbelief and subsequent sinful actions. If that man is you I can understand why you might think that -- none of us wants to allow a sinning saint to believe we endorse his or her sin lest they feel validated in a “victim” mindset. When offended, people can excuse their sinful responses, because they convince themselves they are passive recipients of some harm. Not only do I grasp the danger of that, I have written and preached warnings about such a thing for many years. However, when it is fear that hampers people, God apparently isn’t concerned that compassion or understanding will make them feel validated in their sin. Our Lord himself modeled empathy for people plagued by distress and fear. Even when there was no basis for anxiety, he apparently wasn’t worried about reinforcing their unbelief. Do you remember how he wept for Mary and the others when he saw them weeping and upset at the death of Lazarus? He knew he was about to resurrect Lazarus, so wasn’t weeping for him or over his own sense of loss. Jesus felt for the mourners in their distress, even though he knew the cause of their distress was unfounded and would be gone moments later. In this account Jesus gives a beautiful example of offering comfort to those whose fears and emotions have no valid basis.
Unlike the mourners, a woman who flees her husband is experiencing fear and pain that is certainly not baseless, which makes her all the more deserving of compassion. In the gospels there are about a dozen examples of Jesus interacting with fearful people. It is fascinating to see how in each instance he didn’t rebuke them for how they expressed fear, even when it was sinful. How Jesus Dealt with Fearful People The woman who touched Jesus’ garment for a healing was terrified of getting into trouble for sneaking a touch, although she hadn’t really done anything wrong. However, Jesus spoke words of encouragement to sooth her fears.
In response to Jesus’ call to follow him, Peter was apparently afraid of giving up the security of his source of income, so Jesus encouraged him with the fruitful life God had planned for him.
The disciples were afraid of dying, and even accused Jesus that he didn’t care about them. Yet, he did not rebuke them for their disrespect, but pointed out that the cause of their fear was unbelief. He sought to boost their faith by revealing himself and his power to them.
In Mark’s account of this episode the disciples are described as disrespectfully impugning Jesus’ love for them, yet he did not rebuke them for their sinful disrespect.
The disciples were afraid of God’s voice and the power of it, but Jesus simply presented himself as the reason to not be afraid.
The women at the tomb feared the power of the resurrection, so Jesus reassured them that they had no basis for fear. He presented himself as their encouragement.
Whenever people expressed fear, Jesus did not simply expose their unbelief or rebuke them for it -- he built them up somehow. God responded the same way to fearful people in the Old Testament. In Judges 6-8 the story of Gideon is a classic example of a man crippled by fear who was encouraged by God. Gideon demonstrated fear and weakness in at least ten ways, and in each occasion God did not rebuke him, but rather did various miracles to encourage him. As we see from Jesus with his disciples and God with Gideon, fearful people are not to be treated as rebels, but as people needing stronger faith. By nature it seems that good parents demonstrate the same compassion to their children. When a child is awakened by terrifying nightmares, does a good father push that child away and call him “scaredy cat” or does he hold him in his arms and console him, even though there is no genuine threat? Similarly, a good husband might tenderly care for and offer protection to his wife if she has a baseless phobia of dogs. And if a wife is so ruled by fear of her husband’s leadership, and her thinking is so clouded by desperation to survive that she abandons the marriage, would it not be wise for a man to express to her compassion and that he understands her fears? A woman or child dominated by fear is functioning on a completely emotional level so is not logical, and therefore cannot be rebuked or reasoned out of their fear. They need to feel safety. Either the threat needs to be removed or they need courage to face the threat. Courage can either be imparted sovereignly by God or be found in a God-sent hero who offers protection. Every husband could be that hero. Let me say this clearly, brother -- your wife responded in weakness of faith to your leadership. I do not endorse her actions, but I understand them. I have been dealing with bitter, safety-seeking wives for 30+ years and have observed that a woman who abandons her husband out of desperation will rarely return to him in response to rebuke or discipline. I have actually never seen it happen. Such a woman has not left because of rational thinking, and so her reason and sense of obligation cannot be appealed to. Your wife was probably like most women in her situation -- she simply came to the end of her reserves and decided that the only way to mentally survive was to distance herself from you. The only thing that will turn her back to her you is to either give her courage or eliminate the cause of the fear. The Nature of FearTry to understand that a woman who has left her husband is similar to a frightened child who stands on a high ledge above a river, but refuses to follow his friends and jump into the water. It is the emotion of fear that paralyzes such a child. Logical appeals, teasing, or threats of spankings will not pry that child’s fingers from the crevices of the cliff. Whatever his ultimate motivation, the child must finally muster up the courage to take the risk and jump. A wife who leaves her husband is terrified to return to the situation that threatened her mental or emotional wellbeing, and will not be easily motivated to plunge back in. Such a leap will be far more frightening than a river jump, because marriage lasts not a few seconds, but a lifetime. For the jump to occur, either the threat must be removed or a woman must gain the courage to face the threat. Did you follow that? When people are fearful, one of two things must happen: Solution 1. The perceived danger must be removed, or... Solution 2. They must gain the courage to face the threat. It’s not really that complicated. In most situations, a woman’s thinking is clouded by fear. Based on her past experience, she doesn’t believe she can mentally or emotionally survive her husband’s leadership. To apply Solution 1 would mean that he changes those things she perceived as dangers. If a man were able to sit down with his wife and communicate to her that he understood her fears and wanted to eliminate what caused them, it would give her encouragement that she was married to a hero who seeks to protect her. Communicating to her that he understands her fears will go a long way to helping her believe his leadership is now safe. If a man was to apply Solution 2, it would mean that someone must work to boost his wife’s courage by building up her faith in God. Unfortunately, a wayward wife is not usually open to having her faith built up by the man who posed the greatest threat to her well being and who presently treats her like a criminal. However, a man can help his wife drop her defenses by communicating that he understands her fears and what caused them. Rebellious or Disheartened?When I speak of regaining lost trust I refer to repairing a broken relationship. The Scriptures are full of examples of broken relationships, ie: Cain & Abel, Joseph & his brothers, David & Eliab, Saul & David, Amnon & Tamar, to name a few. Some were repaired and some weren’t. In most cases the relationship was broken when one party took offense at something the other did, thereby destroying trust on at least one side of the relationship. The loss of trust in one party is all it takes to damage a relationship. In a broken relationship it is not uncommon that the offended party resists the offender. Trust is absent, so when the offender says black the offended says white. Because trust is gone, the offended party becomes suspicious and critical of everything the offender does. They nitpick everything regarding the offender, and won’t even laugh at his jokes anymore. In the story of David and Goliath, when young David showed up and began to speak boldly about Goliath’s offense, Eliab, David’s older brother, took offense at David (1 Sam 17:26-28). Likely, because Eliab was put to shame by his little brother’s faith, he read evil into David’s motives and immediately began judging his heart.
If someone had said something nice about David, you can be sure that Eliab would have corrected the speaker. His offended heart compelled him to judge David’s motives – something only God has authority or power to do (1 Cor 4:5). The church can judge actions (1 Cor 5:12), but only God can know motives. An offended heart not only thinks evil of the offender, but will typically resist the offender at every turn. If the offender has authority, this means that the offended one will resist his leadership. They will either abandon the relationship to escape the offending leader’s influence or remain in relationship and manifest rebellion. The relationship that was once whole has become broken. Unfortunately, the one in authority, whether it be pastor, father, or husband, is often unaware of any offense, so is oblivious to the broken nature of the relationship. All that the offending leader sees is a rebellious church member, teenager, or wife. And because the offender has authority, he responds with authoritative actions -- he excommunicates, chastises, or rebukes. Many excommunications and church-splits needlessly occur, because leaders respond heavy-handedly to expressions of broken relationships rather than mending the damage they themselves had inadvertently caused. And many teens are expelled from their homes, because parents are oblivious that they have exasperated and disheartened their children. So also, a husband may deal sternly with his wayward wife if he is oblivious that she is fleeing his wounding style of leadership. It is my observation that the majority of rebellion against loved ones is rooted in broken relationships. Followers “rebel” because they lack the fortitude or maturity to persevere through ongoing pain inflicted by their leader. To further clarify what I mean, take the example of a pastor who offends one of his congregation members. Perhaps the offense is of a personal nature -- the pastor missed an appointment or failed to express proper appreciation for a service the member had performed. Possibly he made a factual error in his teaching, or he misused the authority of his office in some church matter. Whatever the cause, the member loses trust in the pastor, and becomes hypersensitive to any possible flaws the pastor might reveal. As a result, the offended church member develops a bitter attitude and tells other members of his problem with the pastor. In this situation, two people who formerly had a trust-based relationship are now divided. The church member has lost trust in his pastor, and has responded sinfully to the pastor’s perceived failings. The pastor, unaware of the broken relationship, deals with the issue as an objective matter of church discipline, because he is the one in authority. The disgruntled member is certainly wrong to sow seeds of division, but the pastor would best solve the trouble by addressing the problem as a personal issue and seek to restore the relationship. I have observed that too few leaders understand how problems of “rebellion” in churches and families are simply manifestations of broken relationships. In David’s situation with Eliab, there was little that David could do -- Eliab became embittered out of embarrassment and jealousy, but most pastors can likely find some way they have contributed to the offense taken by the church member. My brother, I plead with you to consider that your wife has likely resisted your leadership, because of a broken relationship. Restoration of her trust in you -- not rebuke -- is what is needed to repair the relationship. Harsh admonition has never done anything to restore lost trust when that is the issue. It can prompt repentance when the recipient is a fornicator or heretic, but when he or she is not, it drives a wedge deeper between two parties who are separated by a broken relationship. Regaining Lost Trust One of the things that may help you reestablish trust with your wife is to more deeply understand how she got to her disheartened condition. In Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 men are warned that failed leadership will exasperate and dishearten their families.
Such prohibitions would only be given, because children lack the emotional resilience to endure a father’s overbearing, demeaning, or indulgent style of leadership. Exasperated children who have “lost heart” are demoralized, and commonly become hedonistic and/or rebellious. If a dad is demeaning, the kids may grow up starved for his approval and eventually resent him for depriving them of acceptance; if he is wimpy and permissive, their self-indulgence will grow along with their anger when they don’t get their way; if Dad is domineering and disrespectful, they will manifest defiance and likely bolt the home as soon as they can. God does not excuse children for their sinful responses to their father’s failings, but a man should take note that God holds him responsible for stumbling them (Mat 18:6). As head of his home, a man has great power to affect the outlook and disposition of the ones under his authority. He is responsible for setting his entire family up for failure. Remember God’s warnings to Israel -- a man’s choices directly impacted his family, children and wife included. As in the case of Achan (Josh 7:24-25) and Korah, Dathan, & Abiram (Num 16:27-33) the choices of a head of household can bring either curses upon his wife and children (Ex 20:5; 34:6-7; Num 14:18) or they can bring blessings (Deu 5:9-10; Jer 32:18). Although a grown woman will have greater maturity than her children, she may be just as vulnerable to a man’s leadership failings. By virtue of a woman’s more emotional nature (1 Tim 2:14), and as a result of being cursed with a greater craving for her mate (Gen 3:16), she is more susceptible to being emotionally hurt by her husband. From the day she decides to marry him, she opens up her heart -- not to everyone -- just to him, thereby giving him the power to either tear her down or build her up. Most men have no idea they have that power, and may not like hearing it, but they have it nonetheless. God created woman as the weaker vessel and knew exactly what she needed when He gave detailed instructions to husbands about caring for their wives. In Ephesians 5:22-33 a husband is told to assume responsibility for the family and shoulder the weight of running the home (vs 23-24) -- a well-managed home provides a woman with safety and security. A man’s love for his wife is to be sacrificial (vs 25), meeting her needs in the same way he does his own (vs 28) -- thereby insuring that she is cared for physically, mentally, and emotionally. A man is to cherish his wife (vs 29), protecting her as a guarded treasure, thus offering security for her heart (vs 31). The man who fulfills each of these commands directly meets the innate needs of his wife. And it is precisely because of a woman’s vulnerability that a husband is additionally instructed to “not be harsh with his wife” (Col 3:19). He must instead “be considerate and respectful of his wife as the weaker partner” (1 Pet 3:7). God commands husbands to treat their wives without harshness, and to show them “consideration” and “respect,” because women have a more emotionally vulnerable disposition than a man. Just as a tender father would handle his young daughter with gentleness and sensitivity according to her vulnerable state, a godly husband is to do the same with his wife. Could it be more clear? Just as a dad has power to push his children into sin by his poor leadership, a woman can be emotionally devastated and provoked to exasperation in the same way. Her responses to weak leadership may be sinful, and she is responsible for those sins, but her husband is obviously responsible for setting her up for failure. The Power to Stumble If you wrestle with the idea that a married person can stumble their mate, it is illustrated by Paul in 1 Cor 7:4-5. There he warns couples that they should not withhold their bodies from each other, lest it make their mate more vulnerable to sexual temptation. For example, if a wife withholds herself from her husband, she deprives him the release of sexual tension, thereby increasing his temptation to lust after women. Is such a woman wrong to withhold herself? Yes, absolutely. Is he responsible for his sinful lust or is she? He is responsible for his sexual sin, and she is responsible for depriving him. By no means is such a man an innocent victim who can blame his wife for his immorality. In this situation and many others we are warned that our behavior can stumble those around us into sin, ie: Mat 18:6; Rom 14:13, 21; 1 Cor 8:13. Just as any believer can stumble others by their behavior, fathers have power to provoke their children into sin and husbands can alienate their wives as well. This parallel between alienated women and children is critical to understand, because they both involve damaged relationships, which are repaired by restoration of trust -- not by coercion. Summary If a man’s wife leaves him and he wants to restore relationship with her, the worst thing he can do is judge her as a control-freak and subject her to rebuke. Since she fled the marriage out of fear and self-preservation, the only way she will consider returning to the marriage will be if her trust in her husband has been restored. Take this to heart my brothers, and start relating to your wife’s heart instead of just her words. |