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Worksheet for Determining How You Wounded Your Wife (Updated 5/8/2020)
If you desire counseling or want me to review your letter, please include this worksheet with it. To use this worksheet most easily, copy the text and paste it into a blank document in your word processor. Then type your answers into the form, and then copy and paste it into the body of the email you send me, or attach the document to the email.
Before you start your letter, use this worksheet to document the various ways your wife might say that she felt wounded by you. Give clear examples of what you did. Be especially careful of how you answer the question, “How might it have made her feel?” Many guys answer that question with descriptive words such as: mad, angry, upset, ticked, annoyed, etc. Such answers reflect that a man does not yet understand the nature of an emotional wound. Yes, our wives can express anger, but they do not see themselves as mad or upset. They are wounded and feel they are merely crying out in pain, the way you might do if someone steps on your foot. If they were wearing golf shoes, you might even become violent and shove them off your foot. The wounds a man causes his wife do not just make her feel upset. Her anger comes from one or more of the following feelings:
Alone, lonely, isolated, abandoned, rejected, neglected, betrayed, defrauded, insignificant, unloved, unimportant, not worth much, not cherished, not valuable, controlled, smothered, dominated, afraid, fearful, insecure, like a roommate, like a concubine, like a single parent, etc.
Keep in mind that when a woman expresses her unhappy feelings, we guys tend to view her words as complaining, nagging, or attacking, but she feels she is simply expressing her feelings of pain or fear.
In your letter, be certain to address each of the main problem areas from this worksheet.
1. Did you neglect your wife and family at home, because you were obsessed with work and/or making money, or were out with friends or playing sports, etc,? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
2. Did you use your free time at home to surf the net, do hobbies, watch TV, etc, -- all while she cooked, cleaned, and looked after the kids each day? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
3. Did you ignore your wife’s requests for help with the children? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
4. Did you ever suggest that your marriage was over and/or threaten her with divorce? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
5. Did you fail to show her much attention or affection except when it was time for bed? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
6. Did you completely deprive her of attention or affection, including the marriage bed? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
7. Did you fail to express appreciation for her dedication to you and the family? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
8. Were you critical of her? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
9. Were you angry, harsh, or mean to her with your words? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ I raised my voice to her
____ I used profanity towards her
____ I called her vulgar names
____ I ignored or mocked her after I drove her to tears
____ I intimidated her with violence toward inanimate objects, ie: hitting, kicking, throwing things.
____ I did this in front of the children
How might it have made her feel?
What steps have you taken to resolve your anger issues?
10. When she tried to talk with you, and it felt like she was complaining, nagging, or attacking you, how did you respond?
____ I got defensive and argued back
____ I corrected her misstatements
____ I tried to convince her with logic and facts that she shouldn't feel what she felt
____ I intimidated her with anger and harsh words
____ I tried to make her question her sanity and or abilities
____ I waited silently for her to finish, not wanting to anger her further
____ I walked away and/or stormed out.
How might it have made her feel?
10a. When men think a woman is complaining, attacking, or starting an argument, she is usually expressing fear of something, ie: worry about finances, fear she can't carry the load of house and family by herself, concern for her relationship with someone, care for the children, anxiety over her marriage, etc. She may want to be rescued or want something to be fixed, but she is more concerned with feeling her husband's understanding and empathy first. What would you say are your wife's top fears:
11. Did she discover that you looked at porn? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
> Have you done or are you doing anything to conquer that habit? YES____ NO____ Explain:
How might it have made her feel?
12. Did you or are you having an affair -- physical or emotional?
YES____ NO____
If YES, explain:
____ Long term affair? How many? _____ How long?____ Explain:
____ Emotional affair? Explain:
____ With another man? Explain:
____ Did you bring an STD home to your wife? Explain:
____ Did you flirt with other women or stay in contact with old girlfriends? Explain:
____ Does your wife mistakenly accuse you of flirting or being unfaithful? Explain:
How might your affair have made her feel?
13. Would your wife say that you ever touched her in a physically abusive way? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ Restrained her. Explain:
____ Blocked her way. Explain:
____ Pushed her. Explain:
____ Knocked her down. Explain:
____ Slapped her. Explain:
____ Thrown something at her. Explain:
____ Struck hit her with an object or a closed fist. Explain:
How might it have made her feel?
What steps have you taken to change this tendency?
14. Did you not work hard to provide for the family, forcing her to shoulder the burden of provision? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
15. Did you side with your extended family against her? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
16. Were you extremely jealous? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ I resented the time she spent with friends or family outside the home
____ I resented the time she spent with the children
____ I was suspicious that when she dressed up to go out, she did so for the attention of other men
____ I resented the attention she received from her male friends or work associates
How might it have made her feel?
17. Did she accuse you of being controlling? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ I tried to limit who she spent time with, ie: family, girlfriends, etc
____ I restricted her use of the car
____ I overly-controlled her money
____ I used angry outbursts to intimidate her into subjection
____ I intimidated her by throwing or breaking things
How might it have made her feel?
18. Did you habitually make decisions without asking for her thoughts or opinions? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
19. Lazy? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
20. Disorganized? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
21. Irresponsible? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ I often failed to follow through on commitments
____ I was habitually late paying bills
How might it have made her feel?
> Have you taken any measures to become more responsible? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
22. Forgetful? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
23. Did you often break promises? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ I broke promises resulting from forgetfulness
____ I broke promises resulting from deceitfulness
How might it have made her feel?
24. Lying, untrustworthy? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
25. Addictions, substance abuse? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
____ Alcohol? How often did you drink? Explain:
____ Weed? How often did you smoke? Explain:
____ Hard drugs? How often did you use? Explain:
____ Are you in or have you been in a treatment program? Explain:
____ Do you presently have a substance
abuse problem?
Explain:
How might your substance abuse have made her feel?
26. Mismanaged money? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
> What measures have you taken to overcome this problem? Explain:
27. Poor hygiene? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
28. Were you in a depression and totally self-absorbed, thereby robbing her and the family of attention and care? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
29. If she ever experienced sexual assault or childhood molestation, have you been insensitive to the lingering effects? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might it have made her feel?
30. Did she have or is she having an affair? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
How might you have helped make her vulnerable to one?
Summary:
Background information
A. How long have you and your wife been married? __________
> How long were you and your wife together before you were married? __________
B. What are your present living arrangements?
C. How long have you been separated? __________
D. Do you have children? ______ How many? ________ Range of ages _______- _______
E. Does your wife work outside the home? ______ From the beginning or more recently? _____________
F. Have either of you been married before? ________ If yes, briefly explain.
G. Are you presently involved in a church? ______ Are you getting help from your church leaders? ______
H. Was your wife rejected, assaulted, or betrayed by past husbands or boyfriends? explain
I. Which of the following words best describes your wife’s style of communication? ____ Outspoken, but respectful ____ Passionate and disrespectful ____ Avoids conflict, passive, reserved, quiet
J. Since the separation, did you propose couples' counseling or a marriage retreat for the two of you? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
K. Would you say that you are frustrated with your wife at all? YES____ NO____ If YES, explain:
> In what ways might your wife be aware of your frustration?
L. How are her parents
responding?
N. Is your wife addicted to drugs or alcohol?
O. How would you describe your relationship with God?
P. What is the best phone number to reach you? ________________
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