When is the best time to give your wife the letter?

A common question I receive relates to the timing of a letter. For example, some guys wonder if they should give it to their wife on a special day, ie: “Should I wait for our anniversary? ...Mother’s Day? ...birthday?” ...etc. Some guys feel that they have to get it to their wife quickly in order to stop her from going forward with the divorce: “Our divorce is final next week. Please hurry and critique the letter, so I can give it to her before we go to court.”

These kinds of questions and requests are understandable. However, they come from the wrong perspective. Such comments are only made if a man forgets that the primary goal of his letter is not to win his wife back, but to facilitate healing in her heart. Yes, he wants to restore his marriage, but that may only happen as a side effect of helping his wife’s heart to heal.

Brother, if you have come to a fresh understanding about how you wounded your wife and how she continues to suffer because of your wounds, then there would be no possible way you would consider waiting until a special day to give her your letter. Waiting for a special moment to give her the letter would be like stepping on someone’s bare foot and then writing a note of apology to read to them when the time is right. You wouldn’t do that. In fact, as soon as you hear them cry out in pain and see the tears in their eyes, you pull your foot back and give them your attention. You would help them find a seat or call for someone to bring ice to quell the swelling. Their pain causes you to immediately respond to bring comfort or healing. 

In the same way, if you have come to a new awareness of how much in pain your wife is in from wounds you have inflicted, you won’t want to postpone playing a part in her healing. You won’t wait for a special moment to present your wife with your letter or give it to her tucked into a romantic card, because it will appear to her that you don’t really get it. In her mind, if you really understood how you hurt her, you would rush to her side to care for her wounds with words of empathy and compassion.

When a guy submits to me a letter to be critiqued, the turnaround time is typically from 3 days to 3 weeks, depending on my travel schedule and how many submitted letters I have in the cue. On occasion it may be longer if I am traveling doing conventions. This wait presents a problem for a guy who sees his wife pulling further and further away with every passing day. If you are one of those guys who wants to hurry and get your letter to your wife before she takes the next step in divorce or separation, don’t forget that your primary goal is not to restore the relationship. That will be a possible outcome if you are able to bring healing to your wife. If you think you must hurry, you will do something desperate and foolish, and it is likely you will further alienate her. More than a few guys, who submitted to me their letters, didn’t want to wait for me to return them, so gave their wives their uncritiqued letters. Unfortunately, the letters were weak or full of damaging statements, so instead of helping, these guys hurt their chances of restoration. It is hard to be patient when we think that the more time passes, the less likely we will see reconciliation. So a guy must remember that his goal is to craft a letter that will help his wife heal from the emotional wounds he inflicted over the years. 

One man wrote back that in the 5 days he waited for his critiqued letter, his final divorce hearing had taken place. He thought that since he was now officially divorced that it was too late and the letter was no longer needed. The fact that a divorce has taken place does not remove your wife’s need for her heart to be healed. She still needs healing and it is not impossible for a divorced woman to once again desire her husband. In fact, if it wasn’t possible, I couldn’t do this ministry. I have heard testimonies from many couples who remarried after the divorce was final. One couple was married 30 years before the wife filed for divorce. They were apart 3 years before they got back together and remarried. I get reports all the time of couples restored after being separated or divorced for months or years. One man struggling to keep together his second marriage told me that he had changed so radically since visiting UltimateHusband.com, that his first wife saw the change and was starting to pursue him to restore their marriage.

The key to remember is that God is involved with healing of hearts and healing of marriages.