RECONCILING WITH YOUR WIFE

I. A woman marries a man when she feels she can entrust her heart to him

> She feels cherished, valuable, and safe.

II. A woman emotionally pulls away from her husband only if she starts to feel unsafe.

> A wounded wife loses trust in him.

> If she is deeply wounded she will start to think evil of all his motives

III. The basis for solving most conflicts is rooted in re-establishment of lost trust.

A. Here’s what will NOT restore trust

> Romantic gestures

> Apologies

> Confession of everything you have done wrong

> Explanations

> Simply telling her that you understand

> An overload of complements  (if she’s deeply bitter). Unless she’s starved for affirmation.

> Educating her. Don’t state truisms or facts, or quote Scripture to her.

“The healing of a marriage takes time” or “Men and women are so different,” or “We were a team, and my role as a husband is to lead us.”

> Correcting her misperceptions. ie:

“You misunderstood,” or “...but you were wrong about that.”

If she has accused you of being controlling, don’t say, “’I am not trying to control you, I’m just trying to guide you.” The point is that she felt like she was being dominated or controlled, and felt like her opinions and wishes were insignificant to you. A better response would be, “If you felt controlled, that’s the last thing I’d want for you. You deserved to feel free, loved, and taken care of. It’s horrible that you felt that way.”

> implicating her for her contribution. making comments like: “You know that neither of us is perfect,” or “Neither of us opened up to the marriage counselor”

> Any words or actions that point back to you, ie: “Here’s what I realize about myself...”

B. Here’s what will help restore trust

> Genuine Empathy   “That must be awful...” It's Not About The Nail

Think about it – how do you respond at a funeral to someone who has just lost a loved one? A truly empathetic person doesn’t talk on and on like a narcissist, blathering about their own feelings of loss. They look at the grieving person, put themselves in their place, and feel their pain. In their grief for the mourner, they might offer a hug and a few words of comfort, but say little about themselves. Your wife deserves the same compassion.

> Sincere Compassion

Relating with her like you ran over her child with your truck.

> If she is starved for affirmation, affirm her value.

You are such a dedicated mother, but receive so little appreciation for your devotion. You sacrifice and give away so much of yourself, and with so little help. Everyday you exhaust yourself for the family and hear so little thanks, yet you keep going day after day. Now that my eyes are opened to you, I appreciate the purity and sacrifice of your love. I know no one like you. I just wish I had seen you like this sooner. You deserve so much appreciation and support.

> Your words and actions reflect selfless concern for her

> You need to be able to identify and express concern for her wounds

For example, a woman goes to her doctor and shows him a rash on her arm that greatly mystifies her. He might say, “I recognize that rash. Do you also have an ache in your right knee and a twitch in your left eyebrow?”

INSERT                   MISCELLANEOUS APPROACHES TO RESTORING BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS

IV. Your primary goal in restoring relationship

A. The preeminent goal is not be about restoring the relationship, but about helping her heart heal

B. This will require restoration of trust

Your wife is aching for someone to validate her feelings and feel for her in her heartbreak. Why can’t it be you?

V. What to do when a conflict starts.

A. Stop taking her words personally

B. Don’t look upon her words as complaints

C. Don’t argue with her, ie: correcting her factual errors or misstatements.

D. Stop and ask yourself “What are the emotions behind her passionate words?”

> What is she afraid of? Finances? Loneliness? Your future as a couple? The house? The kids? Extended family relationships? Being a bad mother?

E. Address with empathy what you think are her root emotions, ie: “Have I left you feeling lonely?” “Are you afraid for our future?” “Jesus knows your fear and wants you to rest in Him.”